My Biggest Fear
I'm gonna get real vulnerable right about now. I promised myself that I would do this, even though it's hard. It's just taken let's say... a good 8 years for it to happen.
But - it's happening...!
First, let me start with a personal story.
I was 24 I worked for the absolute kindest woman on the planet.
She was truly a gem; an angel in human form. So sweet, caring and helpful. She wasn't your typical boss. She was so human, loving and understanding.
At the time she was moving from an apartment in Nob Bill to one in North Beach and as her assistant I helped her with whatever she needed. I would've done whatever that woman needed because she was just such a sweetheart.
Anyways, that day the task was getting her set up with a storage unit on 10th street in SF, taking a few coats and an office chair in for storage.
Easy peasy, right? Well, what was supposed to be a quick drop off turned into one of the worst days in life (at the time).
Not many people knew what I had privately been doing for months was... writing my first book. I had written pages and pages and pages, saved only on my laptop because of how private I wanted to be with the material. And guess what?
As I ran back to my honda accord after locking up, the rear window was smashed and my book bag along with precious laptop and hundreds of hours of personal stories on love, heartbreak, life, work.... all the sweat and tears on pages were stripped away from me.
My biggest fear had manifested itself. It felt like a limb had been amputated, ripped off never to be seen again. Gone for f'n ever!
I was devastated. And I'm telling you right now, that was an understatement. Never had I ever cried in front of a boss. And I was trying so hard to hold it back but the tears flooded out and down on my face.
It broke me in more ways that I can explain. Stupid stupid stupid me. I grew up in the city. I knew better. It only takes 30 seconds and something like this is bound to happen.
That day my boss saw my face and knew I was completely shattered. Feeling terrible that it happened while I was on the job, she quickly hugged me and pulled out her wallet stuffing every dollar - a total of $300 she had into my front jean pocket. "Omg Violet, this is all my fault!! I am so so sorry!!"
I told her I couldn't take her money but she refused to take it back. It wasn't her fault at all. Looking back now, it's what needed to happen. It just had to. Let's call it "my divine intervention".
Want to know why?
Well, because the story wasn't ready. My book needed more... More experiences to be felt. More relationships and tears to be shed. More heart pounding moments of ecstasy to breathe through. I needed more time. I needed more life. And now, a memory that once made me so angry and hurt has become something beautiful with purpose and meaning.
Because guess what?
Now, in this moment today - I am finally READY.
My story wasn't ready for the world before - but man is it ready now. I just need a little time to sit, focus, write, feel, remember and let it all f l o w o u t.
I share this with you to say two things:
Life has a way of working out. If you're facing really hard times that make zero f'n sense today, I promise you that at some point all the pieces of the puzzle will fit.
Sharing your hard moments publicly takes a ton of courage. Anxiety and fear comes up, even now thinking about it. I've healed from a lot these last few years but writing and exposing so many hard toxic memories will be the ultimate healing for myself and for whoever feels called to read my book which is my drive to get it out of my body, nervous system and brain and onto paper for you to access, read, connect with and feel.
Your pain is your purpose and I intend to fully expose mine, especially if it helps the person reading it.
Oh and one final thing:
I commit openly to everyone reading my blog that I am writing my book and publishing this year. No excuses. Watch me and join me for the journey. I'll be sharing it along in my instagram stories and posts: the good, bad, hard, ugly and beautiful.
With love, excitement and fear buckled in my passenger seat, I'm not ever going to be "ready" but man am I READY.
Simply me, my story and these empty pages soon to be filled up.
Sending love and courage your way,