• Violet

If It's Not a Hell Yes, It's a No.

When I was 23, I briefly dated a man and he taught me a lesson I'll never forget.


He was a few years older. He was successful. He was tall, kind and attractive.


He was inspirational, motivational and he had quotes memorized. He was what I thought "perfect" might be like.



He was considerate. He opened the car and restaurant door and before I could pull out my wallet when the check came, he had informed the waiter it was 'already paid" at the front.


How is this even real? This has got to be too good to be true.


We went on a few dates and with each date, I increasingly felt the desire to WANT to feel more... but time passed and I didn't.


Why isn't this working? We'd message one another, we'd talk about our passions and we'd meet and go on dates, but what was it? Why didn't I feel anything more?


Was it a lack of chemistry? Whatever that even means... I was annoyed and he sensed it.


I mean, I was attracted, but why didn't I feel more? Was it me? He was clearly interested and I wanted to be as well. There was no one else in mind I was thinking of more... yet something just wasn't quite right and it killed me.


Ugh... he was wonderful, so what was the problem?


The one thing he'd repeat almost every time we met was the one thing that stung me... and it hurt, because it was true.


"You know Violet, if it's not a hell YES, it's a NO."


He said that when he talked about his work... he said that when we talked about food... he mentioned that when he talked about clothes.. and he said that when he talked about love and relationships.


Why does he keep repeating this phrase? It drove me nuts. Clearly I was meant to burn it into my brain and remember it forever. And I certainly did.


I had zero desire to be intimate... I hardly had any desire to kiss the man. "What is wrong with me..." I thought. He seemed perfect... so, it must be me!


I realize now that I was just a child. I was only 23. I was a baby. He was older, wise, smart, educated, worldly and we simply did not match, at least not then. I needed more LIFE to live before I settled down. I needed to know - me.

It also didn't help that after our third date he sat me on a bench on the Embarcadero outside the cute boutique restaurant, Coqueta and said...


"Can you see yourself married in a year? Can you please picture it?"


I kindly smiled on the outside but inside I froze. I panicked and my whole life flashed before my eyes. How the heck could I get married in a year?!... I didn't even know what I wanted for myself. I knew marriage was something I wanted, ya know.. down the line, but a year? Wasn't that too quick? I freaked out but played it cool the rest of the evening.


It's only normal to consider what life would've been like, had I taken a different route... but the truth is, I don't regret telling how I felt and eventually walking away. It was the best decision I could make for myself at the time. Sure, it might've seemed selfish, but it was that decision that brought me continued freedom and peace. Nothing and no one could take that away from me, not then. And not now.


It wasn't that he wasn't great. Timing simply wasn't, but aside from timing....the soul will always know that ...


if it isn't a hell yes... it's a no.








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