As I sit here staring deeply, lovingly into my baby's beautiful grey eyes, I can’t help but remember moments of hurt and pain years ago. It’s crazy how deep heartfelt feelings of gratitude have a way of reminding you just how far you’ve come.
I remember dreaming of these moments. Wondering when I’d meet "my person", fantasizing when I’d be pregnant, imagining what having a moving baby within my belly would feel like and then picturing seeing their face for the very first time. Now that I've lived these moments and exist in this sweet, loving reality, I am taken back and reflect what it felt like before, when none of these realities existed.
For the friend who messaged me currently feeling this way: I know what it feels like to be lonely and empty. It’s a dark, void deep within and nothing anyone says helps. Nothing can genuinely fill that emptiness, especially when you're surrounded by seemingly happy couples, big pregnant bellies and facebook announcements you'd... rather not see.
I’ll never forget a Valentines Day in my mid-twenties. All my girlfriends were happily getting ready to go on fun dates and there I was feeling pathetic that yet another relationship hadn’t worked out. What the heck was wrong with me? Absolutely f'n nothing. And I’ll say that to you too. There is nothing wrong with you!
Looking back, I wish I had spent my money that day on a fun, self care spa day, but instead I sat in misery at home, alone. I allowed my sadness to consume me. Stupid me, smh… but hey, we live and we learn. Had I known then what I know now? I wouldn’t have wasted one minute or one ounce of energy on tears or painful feelings. They are never worth it.
We all have seasons in life.
Even when life feels full in one area, there can still be lingering, low feelings in other areas. For example, I’d say I’ve had a bit of stress and baby blues the first week after birth, which are normal hormonal feelings after such a massive, life-changing event, but if I think deeper, I realize that underneath my full and happy heart when it comes to my beautiful baby boy, I’m still heartbroken over the loss of my brother. How could I not be?
Balancing happiness and grief is a strange thing. One moment I’m thrilled and my heart can explode over seeing my baby smile and the next I’m hurting inside thinking my brother won’t be here to see him, play with him or smile again. It’s an awful agony to unexpectedly lose a loved one.
Seeking Help
As someone who prides herself in doing what it takes to be well mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, especially in challenging times, I’ll say this, don't fear your feelings. Allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt and then seek love, support and help in ways that feel right to YOU. Everyone will have an opinion about what is "best" but only you know what works best for you, so go and do just that! Also, limiting people from your life that mean well, but can be overly pushy, judgmental or require too much emotionally can be more healing that you know! Do whatever you need to do to take care of you.
Before I gave birth I knew I wanted to work with a coach or therapist to help me process my pain and I'm doing just that. Becoming a new mama during such a scary time in the world with Covid, endless gun shootings that re-traumatize me and also learning to grieve such a sudden loss, is a lot. I want to be the best mama, wife, daughter and friend I could be, not just for them… but for myself. Friends are so great for pick me-ups, laughter and overall wellbeing, but seeking professional help is different and in tough times like this, I'd say it's so important. If you're considering seeking professional support, please don't think twice. Do it because you are deserving of love, wellness and care.
Don't see what you want most in life?
Remember that you are divine in every way possible and you have a purpose. Start leaning towards more of the things that fill you up, that light you up, so that those that are meant to connect and love you in this lifetime can see your light and find their way to you.
If you look for only the hard, sad, stressful, depressing and low-vibe things, you'll get more of them. Gratitude is so "cliche" I know, but it's also the most life changing thing I've ever practiced. Being grateful for everything has brought me more peace than anything else I've ever done. As Gabby Bernstein says, "choose again". In moments of frustration, pain and anger, choose a better thought immediately. Choose to see kindness. Choose to see blessings. Choose to see health and love and peace and happiness. Choose better because you aren't alive and breathing today to be sad and miserable. You are valuable, loved, good and deserving of a beautiful, full life. Yes, YOU!
Start leaning towards more of the things that fill you up. Do those things that light you up, so that those that are meant to connect and love you in this lifetime, can see your light and find their way to you. ❤️
PS: Remember that what is meant to be, will be! Believe it!
Sending you love on this Sunday (as I pump, drink cold coffee, blog from my bed and hear baby G cooing in his snoo bassinet to my left. :)
Xo,
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